Gauri had managed to turn the tide in her favour.  The days of poverty and squalor were now behind them.  Her son Naren was a Software Engineer with a leading MNC and now on a project abroad. Her daughter Rekha, after doing a diploma course in animation was already scaling new heights in her career, with a number of attractive offers at her behest.  The threesome made the close-knit family they were, sharing everything together- well, almost everything.

Of late, they had been sharing only chunks of happiness and laughter.  But not so long in the past it had been different.  There were days when they had to do even without one square meal.  Days when the children went to school in tattered uniforms, when they had to depend on charity for almost everything - from clothes to second hand text books.  Those were tough days, with the scourge of poverty and uncertainty all around them.  But the dark clouds that loomed above them had cleared and the sun was shining brightly for them.

Though outwardly calm, Gauri, often in the confines of solitude,   wrestled with herself on whether she had done the right thing by taking that fateful decision some twenty years ago. Now and then, overcome by guilt, she would shed a silent tear.  Then, as if for consolation, she would look at her two children and tell herself that it was for their good that she had made the sacrifice.

  She knew that she had taken the decision only after much thought and after carefully weighing the odds.  It was not a momentary decision taken in haste. Her husband, an illiterate and an incorrigible alcoholic had died in an accident, leaving her to fend for herself, her two young children barely 3 and 2, and a third child in the womb - Gauri was six months pregnant.  She had none to fall back on, no one to whom she could turn for succor. What could a lone woman do under the circumstances?  Her self respect forbade her from taking to begging for alms.  Could a mother bear to see her two little children starving?  Could she bear to see them scavenge for morsels of food?  Who would give a job to one who had an infant in her arms?

It was a heart-wrenching decision no doubt, but she had to take it to salvage her other two children. She had her plans properly laid out.  She decided to give up her unborn baby for adoption.  For this, she approached the Convent of the Sisters of Charity.  The sisters were kind and compassionate.  They understood her predicament and sympathized with her.  The sisters made arrangement for her to stay in the convent with her children until delivery and after.  The child, a beauty of a baby girl, was born right on the dot without any complication.  Gauri was allowed to nurse the baby for a fortnight and then she reluctantly parted with it, tearing herself away from the baby, not trusting to look back.  The subsequent days were nightmarish when she would awaken in the middle of the night, fumbling for her baby, while her breasts soaking wet yearned to be suckled.  But she had attuned her heart to turn to stone and she remained true to her resolve.

After confinement, when she came back to her old dwelling place, she told everyone that she had lost her baby in childbirth.  And no one had any reason to disbelieve her. She took up the job as a maid in a few houses and in her spare time did some stitching.

Three months later when she went back to the convent, she learnt that her baby was adopted by a rich and doting family.

Somehow they pulled through, while she toiled hard for a living.  As the years rolled on,  the intensity of the pain and the enormity of the guilt-feeling reduced, partly because of the tight rope she walked everyday to make ends meet and also from the comfort drawn that her baby was in good hands and would be well cared for.    The Municipal School gave her children free education and both of them were good in their studies.  The kids managed to get seats in their respective colleges without any capitation fees and the bank funded their loan for higher education.

Twenty years had gone by.  Today, the doctor had confirmed that the lump in her breast was malignant and was spreading rapidly. Gauri knew that her life was ebbing away.  She did not desire to cling on to life anymore than what was destined. But, the guilt pangs for having disowned her daughter resurfaced and gnawed at her with increased vehemence. A sense of urgency and impatience gripped her.  She had to act fast. She had to do something- anything, to quell her conscience.  She wished more than anything else to see her daughter just once before she died. She hurriedly dressed up and trotted to the convent.  The old Sister who was there at the time of her baby’s birth was sitting in the office.  When she saw Gauri, her eyes lit up in recognition and she greeted her warmly.  However, when Gauri requested  for the address of her baby’s adoptive parents, her demeanor changed abruptly and she became guarded and unco-operative.  “Our rules of secrecy are very strict, it cannot be wavered – we cannot divulge the identity” she said with finality in her tone.” But, please understand, I am dying. In a few months I would be gone.   I only want to see my baby.  She will never know who I am, I promise. I will never disclose my identity,” Gauri pleaded, her voice quivering. But the Sister stood her ground unrelenting.   Finally, with a sigh of resignation, Gauri rose to leave.  But, an impulse made her turn back, rummage through her handbag and produce the doctor’s paper on her advanced illness.  Quietly, she unfolded the paper and placed it on the counter.  Suddenly, a metamorphic change, which can be construed as nothing short of a miracle, came over the Sister.  Her lineament softened, her eyes moistened and she agreed to give the address, albeit with a few pre-conditions.

Armed with the precious paper (though the phone number did not respond), Gauri packed her bags and landed at the temple town of Madurai. The address was easy to locate. She rang the doorbell with her mind in turmoil.  Then, as she waited with bated breath and hammering heart, the door flung open to a complete anti-climax.  She was told that the Thiagarajans whom she was looking for, had shifted to Chennai four years ago.  Luckily, she was pro-offered with their Chennai address.

An hour after she reached Chennai, Gauri telephoned to Mr.Thiagarajan.  The introduction and the subsequent conversation drained her.  All the time she had to fight hard to keep her emotions under check and she kept choking on the words. 

Initially, taken aback by the unexpected telephone call, Ganesh (Thiagarajan) needed a few moments to recover.  But once he had gathered himself, he became an embodiment of gentleness.  He even offered to pick Gauri up from the hotel.  Gauri politely refused the offer promising to reach his house on her own that same evening.

Evening came and Gauri found herself knocking at the door of Neha’s(that was her daughter’s name) home.  It was a plush apartment in a posh locality.  Lata and Ganesh, Neha’s adoptive parents received her warmly. The moment Gauri saw them, all her qualms were laid to rest.  Lata was about her own age, though prettier and more petite.  Ganesh had a scholarly look, in keeping with his vocation as a scientist (which she was to learn later). They ushered her into their large living room which was tastefully decorated.  A blow up picture of a cherubic girl instantly caught Gauri’s attention.  Before she could open her mouth to ask, Ganesh responded by saying, “That’s our Neha.”  Gauri went forward for a closer look, her eyes narrowing as they strained to take in the features.  Meanwhile, Lata produced several albums of Neha’s photos chronicling her stages from infancy to date.  It was as though Gauri was witnessing Neha’s entire growing up process through those photos, and in her mind’s eye she saw what a happy and joyous childhood Neha had. “We have the CDs too of her Arangetram, and her participation in dance programmes,” Lata said, her heart swelling with pride.  “Neha is the best gift anyone could have given us,” Lata and Ganesh chorused. “We consider ourselves blessed.  She has brought so much joy to our lives. Please allow us to prostrate before you.” they said, and before she could protest they had prostrated.

.

 Every conversation in the house was peppered with Neha’s name. It was always Neha- this and Neha- that. The profusion of love and the couple’s respect for Gauri left her dazed. Neha, it seems, was doing her final year Engineering Course in a residential college on the outskirts of the city. “ We will take you to her college tomorrow and introduce you as a distant aunt.  This is not because we want to hide the truth from her.  It is because she has her exams in a fortnight and we do not want her to get disturbed.  Later, at an opportune time we shall tell her that you are her biological mother” Ganesh said gravely.

 “No,” she said emphatically and shook her head. “Though I came here to have a glimpse of my daughter, I’ve changed my mind. I’ve realized I have no part in her world.  She belongs to you.  She is truly and wholly yours. It would be intruding and an insult to you, if I’d still insist on seeing her. Promise me you will never tell her of my visit here. Today I have dislodged a heavy burden from my heart.  Now, I can go back in peace.’’  So saying, she bid goodbye to Neha’s parents and walked out of the apartment ready to take the next available flight back to Pune.